d_hooligan

"If you have loved, you would have learned to live."

Love is grand, it makes living worth while; it's what keeps every person alive, even. Yet, like any other grand things, it's coupled with hurt and disappointments. Stubborn as we may to fight feelings that change overtime, our only option is to accept it. But how do we start to accept? When do we lose all hope? Questions lead to more questions. I'm no expert to this type of thing, but if love becomes so damn hurtful, why do people do it again and again? 

When I left my life in the Philippines on a back pack, I thought I knew what I was up for. I thought all along that I had calculated the risks so accurately. It turned out, a journey to find a job in a 4-hour flight from home is going to be a journey inside myself. I see myself being stepped on and belittled, but I can't fight it. I see myself lying to the teeth to gain people's attention. I should be beating myself up by now but I can't because I have to go on. Instead I turned inside myself to look for answers. I know now bits and pieces of what I lack and what I should gain from this experience. I sometimes get confuse at how people do and say things. As if I've been living in a cave for so long. I see all my flaws now.

When you do a leap of faith, tons of devils are out to get to you. Some are just inside your head, some externals. Do know that everything is a test. How far can you go? How much can you stretch your patience? How strong is your faith? It's a minute-by-minute battle. And as the word "battle" implies, it's a fight for something or a place in this world. Battle scars are inevitable, and it could hurt immensely that you'd wish you could die right then and there. But you have to move on. The sun rises and falls no matter what happens. Whatever the outcome, by faith you know that it's the best choice for you. You may not understand it yet, but sooner or later you will be able to connect the dots looking backward. The only question at the end of your journey would be: were you able to live your life fully?

I'm going to have to drop some people in my life right now. I need to un-attach myself from people. I just have to.

Life is hard. really hard. Especially when the future is bleak. The fact that I'll be jobless in the next 28 days is dreadful. But I don;t love what I do anymore. I have to move. It's a suicide mission and I have a lot of struggles as I approach it. i have had all possible challenge I could imagine and I'm not even there yet. It's crazy. 

At around noon this morning, I dropped my mom and my brother off at the terminal station - they were Laguna-bound. I, on the other hand, was work-bound. And I suddenly felt the pangs of loneliness. I felt tired and withered. It's like life was sucked out of me. My acne break out issue is going worse and I feel helpless with it. My wallet getting very light with the holidays is also not a good going. Overall, I simply feel hopeless. Then again, I still feel so lucky that my family is safe. God is good.

One rule I have with myself is to never drink coffee right before bedtime. Obviously because it will be harder to sleep. Yet again, I failed to heed my own rule. So I'm still wide awake at a quarter before 7 in the morning. What am I do do now? My head is filled up with thoughts of work and TV series that I've recently watched on my laptop. It's really not helping at all. And I hate to entertain the idea of food to make me sleepy. Although I would boldly admit that food does make me sleepy. What can I do? I'm a pig like that. Oh, where did sleep go? I wonder.